Dicen que los gatos pueden abrir puertas, pero sólo los gatos fantasmas pueden cerrarlas

Nadie notó que yo vivía siempre dormida

mi propia existencia en el mundo

 parecía una fantasía incierta

Mi cabeza está llena de densas tinieblas

 que no me conducen a ninguna parte.

Sueño, Murakami

 

 

   Terminaba de batir mi café, lloviznaba. A través de la ventana veía las sombras de los árboles temblar en el asfalto. Todo estaba en movimiento. El aroma de la tierra mojada me llegaba de afuera mezclándose con el del café. Me sentía tranquila. Envuelta en mi campera, recordé que la primavera había empezado hacía poco. Sin embargo hacía frío y venía lloviendo hacía tres días. La sensación del invierno recorría mi cuerpo; serví el agua en la taza, cerré las cortinas, miré la computadora con la novela a medio leer.

   Me había quedado en la parte en que la protagonista logra conciliar el sueño después de varios días sin dormir, pero esta vez se queda sumida en un sueño profundo, no logra encontrar un equilibrio en la realidad. Es como estar todo el tiempo soñando, se puede llegar a ese estado aún haciendo cosas cotidianas, pensé.

    Abandoné la lectura para probar el videojuego que me recomendó Medea. Nos habíamos encontrado en el centro porque se sentía triste. Caminamos sin dirección y después fuimos a tomar algo. Medea tenía la mirada más perdida que de costumbre y aunque indagué, no quiso hablar de lo que le pasaba. Se limitó a hablarme de los álbumes que venía escuchando, de las películas que había visto y del videojuego.

   Era una novela visual donde se podía interactuar con todos los personajes de un pueblo. El objetivo era ayudarlos a cumplir sus metas, desde entregar una carta hasta visitar un lugar específico. Me interesó sobre todo por la manera en la que Medea hablaba de él. Le daba un sorbo a su mocca, hablaba del juego y sus ojos brillaban.

  Lo instalé esa misma tarde. La tormenta parecía continuar su curso y quise quedarme en casa jugando. Cuando lo abrí, la pantalla se puso lluviosa y aparecieron los nombres de la compañía y después el título sobre un fondo azul. Inmediatamente mostraron el pueblo: casas de madera con techos inclinados, el pasto de un verde saturado, vallas blancas que dividían los jardines repletos de helechos, arbustos y cipreses muy altos. Empecé a controlar mi personaje y me dispuse a conocer el lugar. Había un lago cerca con peces koi y patos a la distancia. También encontré tiendas de alimentos, de ropa, de mascotas, de diversas cosas necesarias para una vida funcional en un pueblo. Cuando me acerqué a un banco de la plaza principal me encontré con Sumi.

   Sumi era una chica de pelo largo y negro y facciones asiáticas. Bajaba la mirada al hablar y mantenía sus manos juntas sobre su falda, estirando las mangas de su pulóver.

 —qué bonito día. En días como estos me gusta caminar por el parque y mirar a los patos en el lago. Perdón ¿sos nueva por acá? No me presenté, me llamo Sumi ¿vos cómo te llamás?

 Respondí con mi verdadero nombre. Sumi continuó hablando.

 —¿Otoño es cuando caen las hojas?

 —Sí, y el viento se siente bien en la cara.

 —Me hace acordar tanto a cuando era chica, iba al jardín caminando con papá, saltando hojas, me gustaría ser chica otra vez y jugar sin preocuparme.

 —Podemos ir a un parque y acostarnos en el pasto a ver las nubes.

 —Me encantaría.

   Caminamos hasta el parque bordeando el lago. Sumi iba delante de mí y cada tanto volteaba y sonreía. Un gato se cruzó en nuestro camino y se frotó con las piernas de Sumi. Ella se agachó para acariciarlo y me habló.

 —Tenía una gatita que se llamaba Haru. Era muy linda. El día siguiente a que falleció estaba leyendo unos apuntes en la cama a punto de dormirme y sentí como Haru se subía y se acostaba y acomodaba en la cama, al lado de mis piernas. Percibí con precisión su peso y su calor. No sé si son sugestiones de la mente para consolarnos o si existen los fantasmas pero me gusta pensar que Haru me visitó por última vez.

—A mí me pasa algo así con los sueños. Sueño cada tanto con una amiga que tuve y en todos me habla como si estuviera lejos. También, algunas veces, me dio la impresión de verla por la calle o en lugares específicos pero enseguida abandono la idea y no presto atención.

—¿Cómo estás de ánimo últimamente?

—ah, una montaña rusa como siempre. Suelo estar estable en mis días haciendo las cosas que me gustan pero a veces decaigo por algo o por nada en específico.

—Tener subidones y recaídas de ánimo me pasa muy seguido últimamente. Trato de enfocarme en cosas que me gustan pero a veces al no tener tareas por cumplir me desanimo bastante.

   Nos sentamos en el pasto a ver el cielo por un rato. Después nos hamacamos una a la otra y caminamos por un sendero que había hacia una fuente de agua rodeada de bancos de madera.

    Sumi sonrió.

 —la pasé bien hoy, gracias por hacerme compañía.

   Su cara y su cuerpo empezaron a transparentarse hasta desaparecer y el brillo de sus ojos y su sonrisa dejaron un halo de luz en el aire por unos segundos. Mi barra de objetivos se cargó un poco, sin embargo me quedó una sensación extraña. Pensé en algunas personas que ya no veía. También me quedé pensando en sus ojos, reflejaban alegría. La animación era semirealista, quizás por eso y por los diálogos, la interacción con el personaje se sintió muy real, como salir con una chica melancólica que conocía.

   Dejé el juego por el momento y me dispuse a comer mi arroz frente a la ventana que da a la terraza. El vidrio crepitaba por el fuerte viento.

   Un gato caminaba por el techo de la casa vecina, se acomodó y me miró un rato hasta caer dormido. La lluvia había parado un poco pero daba la sensación de que el día iba a seguir así, con un cielo blanco iluminándolo todo.

 

Rabbit Island

The air is cold. It's getting darker and the sky is of a pale pink. I had been lying on the grass by the side of the road, looking at the sky. I had seen it change from a bright pink to a pale rose and I saw clouds splitting and merging again and again.

I have a bentō box in my bag, with steamed veggies and rice, but I don't take it out. I'm not hungry, there's no need to eat. I just want to lie still until darkness comes and I finally must return home.  Some kitten had been playing in the grass for a while and now it licks its paws, oblivious to everything else. There are snails hidden inside their shells in a nearby mossy trunk and yonder, in the middle of the tall grass there's only one lone old tree, leafless and with its branches all twisted. I believe if I think hard enough, I can make it rain. A storm, like the one I made when I was twelve and I was playing in the yard wishing I didn't have to go to school. I only need to wish for it and squeeze my eyes for a moment.

Beyond the dusty road there is a wheat field. Sometimes I see people working the ground, but this late there's no one there. The wind rises. The tall grass moves slightly faster. I shut my eyes as if they were heavy. The pressure I make when squeezing my eyes makes me clench my teeth too. I feel my lips with my tongue: they are injured, I bit them earlier. A tiny drop falls through my cheek, and I open my eyes.

The raindrops dampen my face, and it seems like, for a brief moment, they stay still in the air or maybe it's just how I see it. I stand to see the whole place. The first thing I see is the leafless tree. The wilderness spreads through the horizon and the sky is opaque, almost grey. I must force my sight to see clearly. The tree looks like a ghost, or to be precise, has the aura of a ghost. Focusing my sight on it, from time to time it seems to blur. I think I see less and less trees in the places I visit. I love to visit this place devoid of artificial objects, just plants, tall grass, the infinite sky, and the leafless tree.

 

The first thing you notice when you open your eyes is that you are all wet and you are a duck. Your legs touch water while your face lies on the cold earth. It's nighttime, a bright moon is the only source of light. The waves might have dragged you there. You remember nothing, not how you got there nor who you were before becoming a duck. There's no memory of having been a duck before, or anything else. You feel a bit cold and wet, but your feathers protect you and you can keep going. You stand up and look around: you are in an island and the sea spreads as far as the eye can see. The wind is quiet, and everything is silent. A strange silent, somewhat comforting. You walk aimlessly. At first you find it difficult to walk without falling over, until you find a rhythm to it. You concentrate on every step that you take, your movements are mechanic, as if you were a robot. As you advance, you notice some plants, you are heading towards the center, farther from the coast. Your feet sink in the grass, deafening the sound of your steps. As if the sound disappeared with the wind. Even though it's nighttime, the moon illuminates everything like it's midday. You look up to see white circles in the sand, they are many shining circles, close to each other. When you get closer, you notice they are rabbits.

They sleep. Beneath the blue sky their fur shines, dazzling you, making you close your eyes. You get closer, you want to see them closely. When you are nearby you notice everything about them remains still, as if there was no air. You examine them, they look like holograms, but they are real, and they are alive.  You make sure you are still breathing by taking a deep breath. You look at your legs in the grass and you stare at the rest of your body: your feathers, your raddled wings, part of your beak.  You lift your feet and let them fall in the same place making a mute sound, the rabbits are still asleep.

 

Mickail awaits me at the station. I get off the bus and jump to his arms, he hugs me for a while. We talk about the manga we have read and the movies we have seen and some other things while we walk by the avenue towards the forest.

• This week I finished Aku no Hana, in the end Takao and Nakamura meet again, by the beach in the city she lives. Taka asks her some questions and Nakamura avoids answering, saying confusing stuff. He then lunges at her, and they fall in the sea. It looks like a violent scene, but they end up laughing and playing in the water.
• I must read it. I watched Naked Blood, it's about a scientist who creates a liquid that makes pain feel pleasant when you drink it. They test it on three girls who offer as volunteer and when they injure themselves by accident the like it, so they start to mutilate themselves. There's also a girl with a cactus that’s connected to her glasses and when she puts them on, she goes inside virtual realities.
• Wow! I dig it.
• I also read some random manga, but none worth mentioning.
• Ero-guro?
• Yeah, there was one about a guy who kidnaps girls to turn them into furniture and stuff.
• Sick. I can't believe it's legal in Japan to make films or mana about real cases of kidnapping or murder.
• You can expect anything from Japan.
• Did you get the razor blade, or a pocketknife?
• Yeah. I also brought cookies. When we get close to the blue flowers, let's grab some.
• If we keep doing this, we might as well start our own suicide club.
• I wouldn't mind dying in the forest of dry leaves.
• I brought some bandages in case we bleed too much.

We take the first dirt road. I'm wearing laced white socks and my black shoes; they may get all dirty at any time. I like the weather, cloudy, a little chilly. The temperature dropped after two days of rain. Mickail speaks to me.

• I read there is an island in Japan called Okunashima, inhabited only by rabbits.
• Ow, just like kitty island.
• Yeah, no one knows how the rabbits got there. It is said they may be descendants of rabbits that escaped from a facility that wanted to do experiments on them, to develop poisonous gases during World War Two. Another theory, though, states that some random kids abandoned a bunch of rabbits there and they just multiplied.
• Being a rabbit, having an island all for myself sounds awesome.
• They seem to be quite fine there. People visit them and take photos of them and feed them. Only at night they can have the island all for themselves.
• If i were an animal I'd defo be a rabbit. I'd have pink eyes and fluffy soft fur.
• Haha you are not too far away from it. I don't know what I'd be. I think if I was able to choose from absolutely everything, I'd like to be something from outer space.
• A galaxy?
• Yes. Or just a satellite.
• I always believed being in outer space was like being in the bottom of the sea.
• I get vertigo from just thinking about both those places.
• How are you going to be a satellite if you get vertigo?
• After a few days I'd adapt. I always do.

We leave the dirt path and enter a sector tight with trees. We have to move some branches aside to make our way through, we hit some spider webs. It's texture in my arms feels soft and it tickles. Leaves beneath our feet creak. I remember summer is ending. I walk through the woods with determination, I'm full of energy but also drowsy because I haven't been sleeping very well lately. I drink some water; I consider whether I'm hungry. I can't really tell. My eating habits are so bad I can't tell when I'm hungry anymore. Mickail speaks to me, I answer. I feel in a dreamlike state. I look up and see titbits of sky. The sky fractured by indefinite branches intertwined. It's like a beehive, our secret place where light barely reaches. It seems it's about to become night, but it's the impression the treetops above us give. I hold my bag with both hands. I remember the only time I injured my arm with scissors. Blood spilled all over my bedroom floor and I stood still for a few minutes. It seemed surreal, yet it's the most vivid memory I have. I cut my skin like it was paper because I was curious and sad, and I didn't care if I got hurt. I now walk and I don't know what I feel. If I wasn't human, what would I be? I see my hand; I extend my fingers bring them to my palm. I think about it again. The first time I was in a forest the grass was tall and I crouched to get lost inside of it and then I jumped like a rabbit while plants caressed me. No one was looking at me, so I kept skipping and ate some grass and leaves tearing them with my teeth. It was fun and I didn't want it to end, when we got home in my father's van I wanted to cry. Everyday life has depressed me ever since. It's as if I had lost whatever bound me to reality when I discovered a different way of doing things.

 

You need your limbs to function to start running. In moments like this you want to be a cyborg and abandon your body. You stretch your legs as much as you can as if you were connecting your circuits. There is no response. The rabbits have awoken, and they stare at you. Some of them stay still but the others approach slowly. You try to guess their intentions, but they are unclear. Their red eyes gaze at you, you start to fade out.

There's a memory: you are inside a classroom with chairs placed over the tables. Everyone else is gone, you are alone. The gloaming light makes its way in through the closed windows. The sky is orange, and you can't help but stare at it. It's your favourite time of the day, you could stay there for hours but you know it only lasts for a moment. You feel this place represents you. Earlier you spoke to some people, but those were meaningless interactions. You are alone with your thoughts. You are in an empty place. You can feel the walls moving towards you.  You notice hours have passed but the sky remains the same. Your legs don't get tired of standing, either. There is no alteration whatsoever. It's like you have stopped time, or someone else did it for you. There's a second memory: You are under a canopy keeping yourself from the rain. It's cold and someone holds your hand. The sounds of rain muffle any other sound. Closing your eyes, you feel the rain fall harder. You keep your eyes closed. You think about that game you left half finished. You think you'd love another sandwich. You think the wind blows so strongly, like a hurricane. When you open your eyes there is a tornado in front of you and whoever is holding your hand releases it to hug your whole body and push you aside. You are now in an unknown place, shielding yourself from something created by yourself. You don't know why you feel responsible for the mess. The rabbits who got closer smell you and immediately drop the interest. They go by and you return, slowly, to exert control over your limbs. The vertigo is gone, you start to relax. You also begin to adapt to your new body. You keep wandering the island.

 

I see my translucent veins running through my arm. Y can feel the motion within them. My blood spills to the ground, it was a close and quick cut. I see the colour of my blood and I can imagine what's under my skin. I'm a container made of flesh, I believe, yet I'm not totally convinced. Mickail watches mee bleed and snaps the blade out of my hands and takes it towards his chest. The leaves shadows move all over his skin. I follow his movements with my eyes. He presses the blade making a horizontal cut. The blood begins to pour. His expressions remain unnerved. He falls to the ground, and I do the same. In silence we stare at the sky and the tress. Mickail extends his hand to hold mine, he's about to say something, but I reject his touch and he remains silent. The silence between us is strange, as if it were about to break at any moment. I see the forest in front of me, but it feels distant, like the tree in front of my house, nothing seems real. I can't concentrate completely. The wound in my arm stings and I close my eyes. I feel lightheaded. I want to stand up and run through the woods until I get lost. I imagine Mickail calling my name and chasing me, but I always stay out of reach. I imagine he loses sight of me, and I get lost for real, unable to find the way back home. Something keeps me from doing it. I don't know why I lay still. I see some branches entwined while my blood drops over the dry leaves and mixes with the flowers we took on our way here.

 

There's something about the island. You didn't notice it at first, but as you get to know it's details you feel sure about it. There's something heavy in the air and the sky and water stay static. You'd love to lay in the grass sleeping or watching the clouds, but there's something that keeps you uneasy. Some rabbits tear some dill leaves and eat them. You think you'll do the same when you are hungry. You go down the beach and drink some water from the sea. It's tasteless. You see your reflection; you finally recognize yourself. A few seconds later, the reflection gets distorted. You stay still. You think you can disappear with the slightest movement. You are certain you were something else in a different time, but you vanished from that world without a trace. You try to remember who you were, but you can't make the memories return. Your reflection dissipates and you lose balance. You are now floating in water; the cerulean sky is full of intertwining clouds. It's daytime. The island of rabbits has disappeared and the sea you are floating in moves generating small waves that pull you. You swim aimlessly, yet there's no trace of the rabbit island, or any other island. No trace of any kind of landmass. It's as if everything has vanished and you were forgotten in the sea. You let the tides drag you around, unable to fight against it, or do anything at all.